i didn’t know it was the end when I woke up yesterday.
it seemed like any of a string of days we have had between last October and April. cold. wet. gray. sleep. repeat. but today the constants shifted. not in the weather. not in the people exactly but for the first time in over 8 years a room was missing something.
i looked hard for it when it was time to bring it into our home so long ago. nothing too plain. nothing too modern. nothing to flimsy. it had to have a strength of style and build. clean lines and a warm presence.
i looked hard for it again today as a blank floor sprung up in front of me. the floor was ready for something new. but i don’t know if i was ready. if i am ready.
something new lies in its place. something aesthetically less beautiful. the new object is more functional now. i am not sure it is just the beauty of the object which has been replaced.
there have been times today when I wished I would have known it was the end so I could have taken a photo of the last night. i am so sentimental. painfully at times.
there have been times today when I have been grateful I didn’t know it was the end so I could just move it out quickly like removing a bandaid.
it was in the twilight of the day, when the only noises I hear are the drip, drip, drip of a gutter which needs repaired and my typing, when I am fighting back the tears. i am trying to etch the feeling, the smell of the room, the miracles of what this object has held for me.
it held my babies. when the day had gone and my arms, head and heart needed a rest. it held all three of my precious babies.
the room won’t ever be the same. the paint will soon change it and the rest of the objects will scatter or disappear. an old resident will move back into the room and the current one down the hall. new memories will be etched in my heart of the room. i look forward to embracing them.
but today i am scared of loosing the memories which have changed my soul.